I have started this post a thousand times in my head, but every time I sat down to write it the stomach ache would start. The voices in my head would say “No, no, no. That’s just stupid.” The negativity committee (consisting of real-live voices from my past) would start their droning, “Who’s going to read it anyway? You can’t write anything worth reading.” And the fear would consume me.
Today I am writing through the headache. Past the nausea. Skirting the voices. Today I am writing.
There’s a quote I remember reading once upon a time that, for the life of me, I cannot find again. It goes something like “the only thing harder than writing is not writing”. I can declare this to be true.
These past months when I have clammed up and shied away from the keyboard have been very difficult for me. I’ve drowned myself in books (I’ve even taken to reading Dickens, without a teacher standing over me) and saturated myself in TV (I finished 8 seasons of the BBC’s Foyle’s War in 3 days).
I have allowed myself to believe that my voice is irrelevant. I haven’t been able to stick with the original purpose of the Madhouse – providing informative and supportive posts for parents with kids with mental health issues. I drifted off course and started posting about my own mental health issues or silly stories or just whatever was on my mind that day. I feel like I failed.
And maybe I did, but there’s only so many times I can post about the kids having difficulty getting on task. There are only so many words that can be written about where to get support. I can only focus on the Madness for so long before it weighs me down.
I have a few of blogs I read regularly (there are tons more I enjoy reading, but these two are my go-to blogs), Did That Just Happen, Single Working Mother and Me, Myself and Kids. I consider the authors, Kate, Kasey and Larry respectively, friends and I enjoy reading about their families and their thoughts on current events. If I enjoy reading their stories, maybe, just maybe, people enjoy reading my stories even when the focus isn’t on mental health.
That being said, I have decided to continue blogging (or in my case get back at it). Not every post will be about mental health (my apologies to those who have only subscribed for that reason), but since mental health is a major part of the Madhouse I will continue to discuss it with candor and (hopefully) humour. I will also indulge myself and write about current events or things that cross my mind. Or a new recipe I really enjoyed. Or the dogs. Or butterflies. Or whatever.
The writing may be a bit rusty. I have to dust off the laptop and wipe the cobwebs off the old braincells, but I’m determined to write. and by writing I will succeed. And if, in my indulgence, someone who reads it is enlightened, or finds a chuckle then I have been more than successful. I will have won.
A little thanks to Larry at Me, Myself and Kids for the inspiration to write again.