Happy Anniversary

I’m not really sure whether this post is ironic or coincidental. You all may have to help me out with it.

Today marks my third anniversary as a blogger with WordPress. That’s pretty exciting. At least it would be if I’d written anything of substance in the last 3 months, but I haven’t. So, I kinda feel like I didn’t deserve the little trophy icon WordPress presented me with this morning. I kinda feel like I don’t deserve much actually.

I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now. I’ve sat down dozens of times, opened WordPress and stared at the New Post icon. Am I ready to write this? I would ask myself and invariably the answer was always “no”. No I was not ready to discuss how vulnerable I’ve been feeling. No I was not ready to discuss how scared I’ve become to write. No I was not ready to discuss what brought me to this frozen state of inaction. I was not ready.

The question remains – am I ready now? I’m not sure. I’m feeling nauseated, but I keep typing. I guess that’s a good thing.

As some of you may know I’m in a small legal battle with my ex-huband. I wrote a very brief blog about it in November, Priceless. This situation has caused me a great deal of stress, time and money. It’s also set me back in my personal growth and the strides I’ve made with my mental health.

My ex-husband is not a kind man. He is a charming man. He makes and breaks promises like most people breathe. He is a selfish man. He cares little for the plights of others. Instead he will walk away from anyone as soon they need something from him. For these reasons, and many more, I say the kindest thing he ever did for us (me and the kids) was leave.

As I mentioned in Priceless, he hasn’t paid child support in over 6 years. The Family Responsibility Office (FRO) is affiliated with the government of Ontario and is mandated to help single parents, like me, chase down dead-beat parents. There is a huge debate about its effectiveness, but I digress. Last year, FRO took my ex to court and he was ordered to pay the arrears, in full, by May 2013 or he would face jail time.

The day after Mother’s Day (the very beginning of May) last year I was served with papers. My ex was taking me to court. His goal? To have the tens of thousands of dollars he owed me in arrears dropped to nothing and to have his monthly support payments dropped to the most minimal amount possible. Just to let you know, I already gave him 2 years with no support payments while he went to school. What did FRO do with this information? Nothing. They cannot take action while the case is in proceedings (and my ex was working under the table, and contract jobs so FRO couldn’t garnish his wages anyway).

All this was to take place 500 km (over 300 miles) away. I hired a lawyer. My ex is representing himself. I have traveled three times now (over 3000 kms or 1800 miles return) to attend court. I have had to sit in the same room with this man three times now as he contrives to weasel out of supporting his children. I have spent money I don’t have and given energy I can’t waste to this situation.

And what has it done for me, besides stretching my patience and my finances? It has left me feeling vulnerable. Excruciatingly vulnerable. Curl-up-under-the-blankets-and-hope-the-boogie-man-doesn’t-get-you vulnerable. Giving-a-speech-in-front-of-your-bullies-naked vulnerable. Don’t-talk-about-it-don’t-Facebook-it-and-sure-the-heck-don’t-blog-about-it vulnerable.

My therapist said that blogging makes me vulnerable anyway. It doesn’t really matter what I’m blogging about (and the subject matter with which I started my blog is touchy stuff anyway), blogging makes a person vulnerable. She also told me that I may have difficulty finding a job when I’m okayed to go back to work because potential employers may be turned off my virtual presence. They might disagree with some of the topics I’ve discussed and may be hesitant to hire me because I’ve been open about my mental health issues.

So I stopped blogging. I didn’t just stop blogging though, I stopped communicating. I stopped being introspective. Basically, I just stopped. And it’s been painful. Not just for me, but for those who love me too. As Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

I have been in agony. I have been in internal battle – should I write? Should I keep making myself vulnerable? Or should I remain silent? Allow the world to staunch my words? But the words have become a burden and I can no longer carry them.

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Image courtesy of Google.ca.

I can’t promise I’ll write with greater frequency, but I can tell you that I feel more at ease than I have in months. I’d like to take a moment to thank Kate at Did That Just Happen and Larry at Me, Myself and Kids for their continued support, encouragement and kind words.

So, I’ve written my first post in months about why I haven’t been writing. And I’ve written it on my blogging anniversary. So basically I blogged about not blogging on a blogging milestone. Is that ironic or coincidental? Help me out.

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Image courtesy of Google.ca.

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About Holly

I hope you're able to glean something from this blog, a nugget of wisdom, a new perspective, a smile or even a laugh. I enjoy getting feedback so please comment, share your story with me too. After all, we're here to help each other.
This entry was posted in anxiety, bullying, children's mental health, coping strategies, depression, GAD, Mental health, parenting, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, single parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Happy Anniversary

  1. vanessa1957 says:

    Thanks for being vulnerable again. Going through some of this stuff years ago makes me hear you from my heart and not my head. I know what feeling like giving up looks like and is…. keep on doing the best you can for your kids and yourself. You will come out the other side of this with peace.

  2. I am so very glad you posted!! I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve taken that step and put some words down and hit the publish button!

    I will let you know that every 3 years I get a letter from the Attorney General’s office (the government agency that controls child support) telling me that I am eligible for a review of my child support order. And every year I just file it. This year, this morning in fact, I put the paper back in the mail and asked for a review. It’s been 10 years. 10 years that I’ve allowed my fear to govern my actions, and I’m finally okay. So, I could get more money per month or I could get less, but either way, because of you and the courage you had, I was able to step up and have some courage, too!

  3. I’m so glad to see another post from you and glad that you let yourself be vulnerable and write this. It sounds like you have put through the ringer by your asshole deadbeat ex-husband. I hope that justice is served and he comes through for his children as he should.
    In terms of blogging, I think your therapist is write about blogging – to an extent. It does make us vulnerable to an extent. Some of us share personal information – even scarier personal feelings. Anyway, blogging and the support you can get from others is often a release. I think this can’t be discounted.
    So, you do as you think right.
    I just hope we don’t have to wait so long till your next post.
    Good luck and happy anniversary.

    • Holly says:

      Thanks, Larry. It’s been a real struggle for me. I’m so easily influenced by people I believe are there to help me. What I mean is, I allow them too much input into my life.
      While I agree I have made myself vulnerable, I have also made some wonderful friends who have provided with valuable insights and much needed support. I don’t want to lose touch with those friends (you among them) so I am choosing to trust my instincts and keep my voice in the blogging world.
      Thanks again for your continued kindness and wise words. You are much appreciated.

      • I’m glad you are doing so and I thank you for your kind words.
        I am sure your therapist means well but maybe is not quite on regarding this point.
        I look forward to your next post.

  4. I’m so glad you posted, Holly! I’ve been wondering what’s been going on, and while I agree that blogging makes us vulnerable to the world in general, there are also things you can do about it if you get to the point of interviewing for jobs or have concerns about what potential employers may see. And, I have a hard time believing that employers check WordPress on a regular basis to see who’s on it. Just depends on the situation. My employer knows I write a blog on here, and sometimes my boss reads it, but not once have I had to censor my thoughts-I do keep the details of my workplace out of my writing, though. I’m very sorry you are dealing with such a mess! Honestly! I’ll be praying for justice and follow through for you and the kids. Happy Anniversary, and you DO deserve the accolades! Blogging for 3 years, no matter how frequently, is a big milestone and shows your “sticktoitiveness”! 🙂 Love ya! XOXO

    • Holly says:

      Thanks, Kasey!! You’re such a sweetheart. Your support and encouragement means an awful to me. I really appreciate the positive spin on blogging and the work place, too. That gives me hope. Big hugs and lots of love (covered in maple syrup, of course) 😉 love you too!

  5. Winding road says:

    I think it is beautiful that you are blooming/blogging about not blogging on your blogging anniversary. Your anniversary gave you that push, that reminder that your blog sits here and you aren’t ready to let go. You have something to say and what you say is important. Don’t let that selfish man take away your strength. He is the weak one. xo

    • Holly says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. It felt good to write yesterday. I find a great deal of freedom in expressing myself and I’m blessed to have a forum where I can do just that. Not to mention lovely people, like yourself, who take the time to read my words and encourage my journey. You’re a blessing.

  6. Pingback: Easing Back In | survivingthemadhouse

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