Random Ramblings

ramblingsWords tumble around in my mind like clothes in the dryer. There’s so much to tell. So much to say. So much to share. But I am petrified. Frozen. Muted by fear.

What if one of the stories I share about my family is read by someone who would wish harm to my family? Or feels that my parenting style is inappropriate and reports me to children’s services? What if one of the human monsters from the past recognizes him or herself in one of my tales? What if they seek me out? Harm me or the kids? Try to discredit me? Call me a liar, cause me to doubt myself. I don’t know if I am strong enough to withstand such an attack.

At night while I lie in bed, supposedly sleeping, strings of words dance in my head.  Stories, poems. Tragedies, triumphs. Comedies and dramas. So many worlds. So many words. Yet they are still not spoken, not shared, not told.

Maybe some day I will pluck up the courage and break the bondage of my silence. I hope it is someday soon for it is slowly destroying me.

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About Holly

I hope you're able to glean something from this blog, a nugget of wisdom, a new perspective, a smile or even a laugh. I enjoy getting feedback so please comment, share your story with me too. After all, we're here to help each other.
This entry was posted in anxiety, children's mental health, depression, GAD, Mental health, parenting, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, single parenting and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Random Ramblings

  1. Some haunting thoughts here. It sounds so hard for you. Hopefully, the act of sharing this will help bring you to that place you are seeking to go.

  2. Right there with ya! Tons goes unsaid because (and I’ve admitted this to you) I know it is irrational, but I have the fear all the same! I have found myself actually being careful because I noticed my mom subscribed to my blog the other day… LOL… Last thing I need is her knowing everything, good or bad! 🙂

  3. These are definitely things to consider, Holly. I think it is the manner in which we share that makes it safe or unsafe. Do we go in and blashpheme people, name names and take numbers, or do we share from a first-person, this is my part point of view? Do we share in a highly specific way (which can also sometimes be self-seeking), or do we share in a general way to make points known and heard that might help our common bloggers? These are balancing acts we have to weigh. I have certain topics that I wish to share about in more detail, also, but haven’t as of yet. I believe I will some day when the time is right, and I’ll know when that time is. And, yes, just admitting these fears out loud brings relief, so I’m glad you did it!! XOXO-Kasey

    • Holly says:

      Thanks, Kasey. I try so hard to be balanced when I mention certain people (and never by name), but there are times it is just too raw that I know I can’t be gentle. That is when I choose not to mention them at all. Someday I hope to reach the level of introspection where I can give a balanced view of the trials that are currently weighing down. 🙂

      • It’s hard, I know, and I think you’re doing the right thing by not writing about the subject matter until you know you can handle it appropriately. I have to do the same thing…I secretly rant inside and post the positive outcome later, lol. Love ya! XOXO

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