That’s it. I’m done. I don’t want to play anymore. Being a grown up stinks. No one told me it would be this hard (ok, maybe they tried – “don’t grow up so fast”, “enjoy being young”, but not hard enough).
Growing up I played with Barbie. Barbie had it all. The Dream House. The pink Corvette. An extensive wardrobe with countless pairs of adorable shoes (I love shoes). Cell phones. Computers. An RV. An airplane. Heck, she even had her own McDonald’s. She had wallets full of little plastic credit cards with matching purses and shoes (the shoes again, I’m obsessed). All this and an attractive, devoted boyfriend/husband named Ken.
Barbie also comes with a complete list of credentials and qualifications which allow her to be everything from a kindergarten teacher to an astronaut. Let’s not forget that she is drop dead gorgeous (by plastic doll standards at least). Has beautifully styled hair and cleavage that would make Pamela Anderson green with envy.
Now that I’m grown up (really, the jury’s still out on that one, but my birthday was Monday and I turned 38 so I’m almost there) I’d like to know what kind of mortgage rate she got on the Dream House. Does it have good resale value? Did she get a loan to buy the ‘Vette or does she lease? Did she rent the RV or borrow it from her grandparents?
I’m curious to know if Ken ever complains about Barbie’s fashion obsession. Does he resent his obvious lack of closet space in the Dream Bedroom? Has he ever demanded a Dream Man Cave? I mean, that’s an awful lot of pink for any guy to tolerate for too long.
Does she own the McDonald’s or simply work there to pay her way through astronaut school? Does she have student loans? If so, how long will it take her to pay them off? I want to know what Barbie’s IQ and grade point average are.
Does she get little plastic bills delivered to the Dream House on a monthly basis? Do she and Ken have a carefully laid out budget allotting a percentage of their income for investments or RSPs? Do they live hand-to-mouth, arguing over how to spend their meager income? Or do they live beyond their means, counting on credit for every purchase?
I’d like to know how she manages to stay beautifully coiffed and poised regardless of whether she’s working the fryer at Mickey D’s or wearing a space suit. I’d like to know how she’s managed to stay wrinkle-free despite years of laying on the beach or lounging by the pool. Not too mention how she handles the pressure of several demanding careers.
What I’d really like to know is how she manages to stay on her spiked-heeled feet without being taken down by the sheer weight of her breasts. Let’s face it, Ken’s probably stuck around so long because he’s been sucked in by the gravitational pull of those puppies.
I guess it’s time to face reality. I am never going to be a blonde, buxom bombshell like Barbie. But that’s ok. I like my chances at happiness just being me.