Back to the Doctor

So I’ve been med-free for about 3 months now and I’d like to say it’s going well. But, well, that would be lying. I’m not doing well at all.

My anxiety level is through the roof. I’m barely able to leave the house. You know that impacted wisdom tooth I thought I was dealing with at Christmas time? Yeah, not a dental problem at all according the dentist. It’s my jaw or TMJ (Temporomandibular joint) or, more accurately, the clenching and grinding of said jaw while I’m sleeping. The dentist told me to see my doctor.

My doctor put me back on Amitriptyline for its muscle relaxant properties. I also started using a bite plate I picked up at the pharmacy since one of the dentist costs around $400 and I don’t have coverage ($30 at the pharmacy, thank you, very much). So that is better.

But the anxiety is out of control. I’m nauseous all the time. I’m jumpy and fidgety (even now the laptop is shaking because I can’t keep my legs still). I’m indecisive (not the best quality for parenting). But the worse thing is it’s profoundly affecting my relationships – with friends (it’s hard to get out and socialize when you’re almost afraid to leave your house – I haven’t been out in public in almost 5 days) and with Mike (this is killing me). Mike has been amazing to me and the kids and he’s very confused by my odd and distant behaviour (trust me folks, I’ve been odd).

There are those who feel that going back to meds is using a crutch; I’m trying to numb myself so I don’t have to deal with the issues (here’s another big problem – I put waaaaaaaay too much weight on the opinion of others, which is causing me waaaaaaay more stress). And I can see their point. However, if someone has a broken arm do you give them a cast or tell them to hold their arm “like this” for 6 weeks because a cast isn’t helping them “deal with it”?

I see the meds as a tool to help me get to a point, mentally, where I can deal with the issues. Right now my brain is making issues out of non-issues. Turning mountains into mole hills as it were. I need to be able to step on the mole hills so I can turn my attention back to traversing those mountains.

 

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About Holly

I hope you're able to glean something from this blog, a nugget of wisdom, a new perspective, a smile or even a laugh. I enjoy getting feedback so please comment, share your story with me too. After all, we're here to help each other.
This entry was posted in anxiety, coping strategies, GAD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Back to the Doctor

  1. barnyarn says:

    Oh Holly. I’m so sorry. Don’t listen to the naysayers about medication. They are making very general, broad observations about a situation in which they are not the ones intensely suffering. My medication does not numb me, it provides my brain with the serotonin that healthy folks have naturally that makes them capable of feeling good. Do what you gotta do girl.

    • Holly says:

      Thank you, your support means a lot to me. This was a very difficult decision to make. I worked so hard to be med free it almost feels like giving up, but I have to focus on what’s best for my brain. And like it or not, the meds are necessary. Thank you again.

  2. Melodie says:

    Medication is a tool to help with wellness. Don’t let anyone talk you out of this. It is possible to not use medication but then you are not using everything that is available to help, especially if you need it. The best case is to use the minimum amount of medication, but that is to decrease side effects. You need to use the medication that you need to stay well, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for relying on medication. Would you let your kids stop taking their meds? Sorry not trying to be pushy but I hate it when other make me feel weak because I do use medication as a wellness tool.

  3. Dearest Holly, I hope that you find a reprieve here very soon, and that getting the medication you need to stabilize does just that. Interestingly enough, I was just talking with a friend on Sunday night about this topic. He said he thinks our world is overmedicated and that people accept medications from doctors for various reasons when they actually need to just “deal” with their problems. I agreed with him on the point that our Western culture does often prescribe meds with little to no diagnosis for things such as stress, anxiety, or depression, and doesn’t offer alternative solutions for wellness and healing in those circumstances. But, I also shared with him that there are indeed people who have definite chemical imbalances and need medication to aide them with living a complete, full, happy and balanced life. I have a few wonderful friends (including you, my blogging buddy) whom I know this to be true. One of my best friends can’t function when she’s off of her meds for depression. Life is- at best -difficult and wrenching. When taking her meds, life is more in balance. So, every person is unique and has unique needs for his/her body. Ignore the comments, ignore the stigmas, and take care of you, number one. Much love and support! XOXO-Kasey

    • Holly says:

      Thanks for your continued encouragement. You are a wonderful friend. I, too, agree that many doctors just throw meds at people. We are a culture that tries to dull the symptoms rather than dig at the root of the problem. This is why I chose to go off the meds originally, but I’m so anxious I can’t focus on anything so nothing is getting fixed. And putting myself first means feeling good about myself. Lots of love to you too, Holly

  4. Pingback: Giving it My Best Shot | survivingthemadhouse

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