So I’ve been med-free for about 3 months now and I’d like to say it’s going well. But, well, that would be lying. I’m not doing well at all.
My anxiety level is through the roof. I’m barely able to leave the house. You know that impacted wisdom tooth I thought I was dealing with at Christmas time? Yeah, not a dental problem at all according the dentist. It’s my jaw or TMJ (Temporomandibular joint) or, more accurately, the clenching and grinding of said jaw while I’m sleeping. The dentist told me to see my doctor.
My doctor put me back on Amitriptyline for its muscle relaxant properties. I also started using a bite plate I picked up at the pharmacy since one of the dentist costs around $400 and I don’t have coverage ($30 at the pharmacy, thank you, very much). So that is better.
But the anxiety is out of control. I’m nauseous all the time. I’m jumpy and fidgety (even now the laptop is shaking because I can’t keep my legs still). I’m indecisive (not the best quality for parenting). But the worse thing is it’s profoundly affecting my relationships – with friends (it’s hard to get out and socialize when you’re almost afraid to leave your house – I haven’t been out in public in almost 5 days) and with Mike (this is killing me). Mike has been amazing to me and the kids and he’s very confused by my odd and distant behaviour (trust me folks, I’ve been odd).
There are those who feel that going back to meds is using a crutch; I’m trying to numb myself so I don’t have to deal with the issues (here’s another big problem – I put waaaaaaaay too much weight on the opinion of others, which is causing me waaaaaaay more stress). And I can see their point. However, if someone has a broken arm do you give them a cast or tell them to hold their arm “like this” for 6 weeks because a cast isn’t helping them “deal with it”?
I see the meds as a tool to help me get to a point, mentally, where I can deal with the issues. Right now my brain is making issues out of non-issues. Turning mountains into mole hills as it were. I need to be able to step on the mole hills so I can turn my attention back to traversing those mountains.