The Detox Blues

It’s quarter after one in the morning here in Ontario and I’m still awake. I am now officially med-free for a full week, and what a zany week it’s been!! I almost gave up on the med purge a few times. This detox stuff is worse than I could have imagined. It is torture. I can understand why so many addicts give up – this is hard work.

One night I can’t sleep. Two days later I can’t wake up. I have nightmares when I do sleep. When I’m awake I feel unable to express myself. I’ve found myself having complete conversations in my head with people I haven’t spoken with in years. Not just conversations but full blown fights. I’m angry and enraged about things that happened years ago – things I can’t do anything about. Things I thought I had forgiven and moved on from.

I’ll cry at the drop of a hat. I’m a softie by nature and will cry at just about anything even slightly sappy (I only watch Hallmark movies alone and with a full box of tissue). Today a telemarketer called from Plan Canada. I practically had to beg her not to tell me the story of the little girl she was seeking assistance for since I’m not in a position to help financially – I knew I’d end up bawling and feeling guilty for not being able to rescue this little girl.

One day I’m in the bathroom repeatedly. The next day I can’t go at all. I am covered in bruises and broken blood vessels from scratching at itches that have no physical reason for existing (Mike and my mom have both threatened to duct tape oven mitts to my hands to prevent me from further damaging my skin). I’m hungry, but I don’t want anything to eat. I crave sugar and as soon as I find something sugary to fulfill the craving I want something salty (must get some chocolate-covered pretzels). I am a conundrum.

I’m flipping out on everyone.  I’ve had to give myself numerous time-outs for not using my words properly. A few times now I’ve had to tell my friends that under no circumstances can I be teased because I’m taking everything personally and I want to beat the crap out of them (normally my friends and I have run a daily banter through texts and phone chats but that just isn’t happening right now). I already went through puberty and, I must say, I didn’t enjoy it then and I’m not enjoying it now.

I’ve caught myself thinking “I could just take a half dose of the muscle relaxant and it will all go away. I’ll be calm and rational again” (I know those of who know me personally are wondering when I’ve ever been calm or rational, but I promise it has happened – at least once). It would be so easy.

But I won’t because I know I’m only a week or so away from my goal: med-free for two weeks. Once that happens I will go talk to my doctor about the next steps in my healing process. That’s the goal – healthy, happy Holly. Preferably drug free, but I’ll settle for minimal dose of meds.

According to my reading one of the final stages of detox is acne. Acne at 37. How attractive. I wonder if I can still find paper bags at the grocery store.

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About Holly

I hope you're able to glean something from this blog, a nugget of wisdom, a new perspective, a smile or even a laugh. I enjoy getting feedback so please comment, share your story with me too. After all, we're here to help each other.
This entry was posted in children's mental health, coping strategies, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to The Detox Blues

  1. jenny says:

    I watched your video yesterday, I know i don’t keep in touch and we have only met once in person. I want you to know that i think about you every day (in a non creepy way 🙂 ) Your blog, your whit and your strength , help to keep me going. Help me to remember that I am not alone, and that things will and can get better, to remember that there is help out there and things take time and effort and to never give up, even on days when everything feels so out of control. This world needs more Holly’s, thank you for being you.

    • Holly says:

      Wow, Jenny. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I am in tears.

      I am so grateful that you have been able to find support at the Madhouse. Knowing that I am helping someone makes this daily journey around the sun worth it.

      Thank you so much and remember – you’re special, you’re doing a great job and you’re loved.

  2. Angie says:

    Wow. I am rarely speechless. Hang in there kiddo. I cannot imagine what you are going through. (I go through a bit of de-tox when I forget my beta blockers – its pretty severe, quick, and almost brings on a heart attack, but what you are going through seems much worse.)
    The acne thing try using tea tree oil on the breakout itself – if it happens. That usually clears it up quick. Also, sounds gross, but I have used Abreva on my pimples. Its for cold sores, but heals up a pimple quickly. You don’t need much at all.
    As you know, things will get better. You have to go through Hell to get to Heaven….Mom used to say that.
    You inspire me often. Today being another one of those times.
    -A.M.

    • Holly says:

      Thanks, Angie. I’ll remember the tea tree oil. I’ve using a mixture of honey cinnamon and it works pretty well, but maybe the tea tree oil will work better.
      You’re a sweetheart and you’re mom was brilliant. 😉

  3. barnyarn says:

    Oh poor Holly – I’ve read about some bad detox symptoms, but it sounds like you’ve inherited the gamut. Is there at least reason to believe the second week won’t be as bad?

  4. Holly says:

    Thanks for your concern. I have hope that it will all be over soon. I’m not as itchy today as I was on the weekend so that’s progress. Gotta stay positive.

  5. Oh wow, that sounds rough. How come you gave up the meds? Did a doctor recommend it or at least consult with you? Good luck and I hope you are in a better place.

    • Holly says:

      Today has been much better, thank you.

      It’s part of my new treatment plan. I was re diagnosed with PTSD during the summer. There is no medication to treat PTSD. The meds were for the previous diagnosis so I wanted to clean the slate to start the new treatment. I am doing all of this with the psychiatrist’s ok and under the supervision of my MD.

      I’ll keep you posted.

  6. Keep your chin up, girl. This is all good…even though it stinks right now. Your body is going to be doing backflips in joy once it settles down. I’m proud of you! XOXO-SWM

  7. Pingback: Random Ramblings | survivingthemadhouse

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