It’s quarter after one in the morning here in Ontario and I’m still awake. I am now officially med-free for a full week, and what a zany week it’s been!! I almost gave up on the med purge a few times. This detox stuff is worse than I could have imagined. It is torture. I can understand why so many addicts give up – this is hard work.
One night I can’t sleep. Two days later I can’t wake up. I have nightmares when I do sleep. When I’m awake I feel unable to express myself. I’ve found myself having complete conversations in my head with people I haven’t spoken with in years. Not just conversations but full blown fights. I’m angry and enraged about things that happened years ago – things I can’t do anything about. Things I thought I had forgiven and moved on from.
I’ll cry at the drop of a hat. I’m a softie by nature and will cry at just about anything even slightly sappy (I only watch Hallmark movies alone and with a full box of tissue). Today a telemarketer called from Plan Canada. I practically had to beg her not to tell me the story of the little girl she was seeking assistance for since I’m not in a position to help financially – I knew I’d end up bawling and feeling guilty for not being able to rescue this little girl.
One day I’m in the bathroom repeatedly. The next day I can’t go at all. I am covered in bruises and broken blood vessels from scratching at itches that have no physical reason for existing (Mike and my mom have both threatened to duct tape oven mitts to my hands to prevent me from further damaging my skin). I’m hungry, but I don’t want anything to eat. I crave sugar and as soon as I find something sugary to fulfill the craving I want something salty (must get some chocolate-covered pretzels). I am a conundrum.
I’m flipping out on everyone. I’ve had to give myself numerous time-outs for not using my words properly. A few times now I’ve had to tell my friends that under no circumstances can I be teased because I’m taking everything personally and I want to beat the crap out of them (normally my friends and I have run a daily banter through texts and phone chats but that just isn’t happening right now). I already went through puberty and, I must say, I didn’t enjoy it then and I’m not enjoying it now.
I’ve caught myself thinking “I could just take a half dose of the muscle relaxant and it will all go away. I’ll be calm and rational again” (I know those of who know me personally are wondering when I’ve ever been calm or rational, but I promise it has happened – at least once). It would be so easy.
But I won’t because I know I’m only a week or so away from my goal: med-free for two weeks. Once that happens I will go talk to my doctor about the next steps in my healing process. That’s the goal – healthy, happy Holly. Preferably drug free, but I’ll settle for minimal dose of meds.
According to my reading one of the final stages of detox is acne. Acne at 37. How attractive. I wonder if I can still find paper bags at the grocery store.